I wanted to watch the interview with Rihanna about the incident of domestic violence with ex-boyfriend, Chris Brown. But that night, I forgot it was on. My daughter called me the next morning to tell me it was very powerful. I was pleased to find the exclusive interview archived on YouTube in 5 parts:
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5
Why do I care? It is a complicated issue that has touched my own life. As a Public D.A. once said to me, "Most wife-beaters are just nice guys with problems." The question is, how does society deal with this problem? One of the best books on this issue is Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." While violent behavior is hardly limited to men, as Bancroft states, in the statistics of domestic violence, the majority of perpetrators are men. He also differentiates between slapping with an open hand and punching or hitting with a closed fist. Both are considered physical assault, but the potential damage is hardly comparable. For starters, one can leave a bruise or even break a bone, and the other can't.
However, Rihanna's response to cries that she must have done something to provoke Chris Brown's violent attack should be pause for thought. "Even if I did do something to provoke him, does that give him the right to do what he did to me?"
On Chris Brown's behalf, I admire him for publicly admitting to his loss of control and staying in a state of truth and apology. As Bancroft's book states -- validated by my own personal experience -- most perpetrators of domestic violence cry "self defense" and lie to family and friends about the circumstances of the assault, leaving their partner isolated and shunned.
I admire and respect both Rihanna and Brown for attempting to use an all too common behavioral malfunction between men and women to educate those who think "it takes two to tango." When it comes to gender violence, in most cases only one party is even capable of that sort of tango.
POST SCRIPT: NPR just today reported Chris Brown's reaction to Rihanna's TV interview. The only thing that upset him about her interview was that she "went public" with what triggered his violent explosion -- she said she caught him in a lie and "wouldn't just let it go." He stated on the radio that he felt the cause of his explosion was a private matter, and she should not have mentioned it.
Does it not seem strange to you that a man would be more ashamed of the public knowing that his girlfriend caught him in a lie than the public knowing that he beat his girlfriend. Since YouTube is full of speculations that Rihanna must have done something to provoke Brown, in my opinion, it is educational for others to know the root of his rage. And, because domestic violence is such a common problem, I think it is also educational for others to know the types of spats that might trigger such violent outbursts.
Of note: I found the recent 20/20 interview with Chris Brown to be most compelling and certainly illustrative of the multi-dimensional and complicated issues around tempers and violence within otherwise loving relationships.
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